America. Land of the free, residence of the courageous, creator of the best burgers on the planet, but producer of a few of the worst motor autos identified to humanity. That is odd given how a lot they depend on the automobile.
Lately, Tesla has reversed the fortunes of the US automobile export market. In 2024, practically 243,000 new registrations had been made throughout Europe, over 50,000 within the UK. A hit story, you could conclude. But the bestselling Y mannequin is assembled in Berlin and gross sales were down from the earlier 12 months.
Some say there’s an aversion to Elon Musk’s political leanings. I’ve owned two Tesla S vehicles and that’s not it. There are too many on the roads, the designs are outdated and though the tech and battery know-how are superior to most different producers, from my expertise of trim and detailing, they’re comparatively poorly made. They’re devoid of fashion, persona and style too. In contrast with after they first established within the UK, I discovered customer support has deteriorated, with lengthy ready instances for calls and repairs that solely Tesla sellers can do.
And worse? They’re boring.
I’ll not hassle with a type of jelly moulds once more. And it doesn’t appear to be the Cybertruck shall be coming to the UK any time quickly. These sharp corners appear unlikely to fulfill security requirements. And, given its weight, you could require a truck licence to drive one.
On the subject of inside combustion engine vehicles, the stats couldn’t be starker. Final 12 months, 692,334 EU-made vehicles had been exported to the US, whereas solely 116,207 US-made vehicles went in the other way, in response to the European Car Producers’ Affiliation. It was sufficient to immediate President Trump to decry that Europeans “don’t take our vehicles”. He has, to the very best of my data, not requested himself why.
It’s not as a result of the ten per cent tariff that the EU costs on US vehicles exceeds the two.5 per cent the US at the moment costs on these from the EU. And it’s actually not as a result of we don’t like merchandise from the States. We’ll have their tech, trainers, Ralph Lauren, monetary companies, Coca-Cola and bank cards. We’ll even purchase a few of their wines. But when we don’t prefer it, we don’t need it.
The most important drawback is that American vehicles are designed for American roads, the place cornering is taken into account an elective additional. They’re constructed to go in a straight line earlier than lurching residence to be parked on a driveway the dimensions of Wales. Given their huge proportions, navigating a US-manufactured automobile into your native multistorey automobile park provides you with palpitations. And good luck making an attempt to reverse it into an area on a London excessive avenue — you would possibly spark a public order incident.
One of many US’s bestsellers within the residence market, is the Dodge Challenger. A huge slab of steel with an enormous engine, but it nonetheless dangers being overtaken by bicycles on something resembling a nook. Good, in case you reside in Kansas, ineffective in case you reside wherever that isn’t constructed on an enormous grid system.
However what about American vehicles, you ask. Ah sure, the pick-up truck — a car designed for farmers and contractors, however someway now owned virtually completely by suburban dads who suppose reversing sensors are for the wokerati. The Ford F Collection, for instance, is the best-selling “automobile” within the US, promoting greater than 700,000 models final 12 months. It’s large, heavy and it guzzles gas. Why do individuals purchase them? As a result of advertising executives have satisfied Individuals that until they personal a car able to towing an plane service, their masculinity is in danger. For us, they’re too huge, too crass and too conspicuous.
Not each automobile manufactured within the US is horrible. The Corvette, for instance, is a genuinely good automobile. The newest one even has an engine in the best place — behind the driving force. It’s quick, handles pleasingly, and in all fairness nicely made. For an American automobile, that is akin to discovering a unicorn in your again backyard. The issue? You’ll nonetheless appear to be somebody going via a really messy relationship disaster in case you drive one. And the plastic inside appears prefer it was moulded from a microwaveable prepared meal tray and options extra velour than a Seventies’ boudoir.
I concede that some US vehicles have a sure allure and a way of humour — one thing European producers misplaced years in the past in pursuit of lap instances and gas effectivity. They make vehicles that make you grin like an fool, vehicles that roar like a lion with a sore throat, that offend individuals by burning inordinate quantities of petrol.
And I ought to know as a result of, like a vegetarian who’s been caught sneaking off for a steak dinner, I’ve a clumsy admission: I personal an American automobile. It’s a blinged-up Jeep Wrangler, purchased on a whim. It’s slathered in army gray matt paint, perched on absurdly massive chunky tyres, sports activities orange leather-based seats and there’s an extra of pointless LED lighting. It resembles a footballer’s rejected customized order.
Predictably, it’s all mouth and no trousers. Put your foot down and it makes a noise like a Spitfire taking off, transferring with all of the urgency of a mobility scooter. Dealing with? Like a sausage. Think about making an attempt to steer a wardrobe down a flight of stairs. I used to be going to flog it and swear off American vehicles endlessly. There’s no rational motive to purchase one. However with tariffs looming, it would simply turn out to be a collector’s merchandise.
Apart from, driving for pleasure is a factor of the previous. Our roads are a large number: potholes, burst pipes and unending 20mph zones. So, if I have to endure the distress, I could as nicely do it in one thing loud, ridiculous, and vaguely able to wading via the carnage.
James Max is a broadcaster and property knowledgeable. X, Instagram & Threads @thejamesmax
